The truth from my child

This is the very first time that the entire family, including my two children has ever celebrated Xmas together and to make it even more memorable it has been in NZ. 

Early evening we sit down to dinner and at every persons place there were Xmas crackers.  I haven’t seen or used Xmas crackers for years and for my children it is the first time that they have seen them.  So everyone gets into pulling the crackers, hearing the ‘bang’ and of course looking to see what totally useless shit is included inside.  As expected there was a paper party hat, a joke that you only ever find in crackers and a small plastic useless object.  So everyone gets into reading the jokes which all begin with “What do you call xxxxx” and then some mildly funny, but usually stupid answer.

So someone reads out the following joke that they discovered in their cracker “What do you call a man with a spade on his head?”.  My 11 year old (with a completely straight face) answers – “An arsehole”.     Wonderful, as everyone nearly falls to the ground with laughter.

p.s. the answer was ‘Doug’.

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“Animal Friendly Meat”

Here is the content of the email that I was compelled to write to a sandwich manufacture here in Holland.

Last week as I transited through Schiphol I purchased on of your sandwiches and I am compelled to inquire about the reasoning for adding a sticker stating “Animal Friendly Meat”.  I have assumed that someone has suggested that this is a great idea because you have actually done it, however if English is not your first language, you may want to reconsider this.  Essentially you have used an oxymoron which is a rhetorical device in which two contradictory words are used together.
The implication of the term “Animal Friendly Meat” is that the farmer made friends with the animal before butchering it for your sandwiches which is implies a significant level of insincerity on behalf of the farmer.  It also leads the purchaser of the sandwich to consider to what degree the friendship developed prior to your order for fresh meat being recieved.

It is also worth sharing with you that when I asked the shop attendant at the counter the degree of friendliness involved she said “Oh god, you wouldn’t believe the amount of comments we get”. 

I am sure that this was a well thought through marketing based decision, but it is one that you may want to re-consider because it doesn’t exactly add ‘brand value’.

regards,

Paul Draskovich

DSK & The Fortune-Teller

Here is a small tale.  Like all tales there is not really any reliable way to say if it actually happened or not.

Eighteen months ago, a man who felt that his life was on the right trajectory, he had a job that gave him access to a lot of very important people (they thought they were important and that is all that really matters), he travelled ALOT, he earn’t very good money, was married to a nearly as famous beautiful woman and most wonderfully lived in a society where there is an absolute expectation in the collective consciousness that a man in such a position in life should selflessly share his penis with as many women as possible.  Having ruminated on his exceptional luck and good fortune whilst in the shower that morning, there was this little niggle of doubt that he wasn’t really reaching his full potential.  He remembered that one of his other powerful friends and given him the number of an excellent fortune teller who by sheer coincidence lived in the very city where he had woken up that very morning.  He called his extremely efficient PA and rescheduled all of his morning meetings and hailed a cab, directing it to the address on the card.

Agreeing to meet DSK he entered into a small private front room of the womans house.  She asked him for a item of jewellery that only he had worn.  He handed over his watch that he had worn for the last 8 years.  She closed her eyes whilst holding the watch.  After 3 or 4 uncomfortable minutes of silence she opened her eyes and looked straight into DSK eyes.  She held his gaze for what felt like ages and she then had a very small smile which creased her lips.

She said to him;

“There is much I can tell you, but I will tell you the one thing that is most important for you. You will be famous.  You will be famous beyond your wildest dreams.  You will be in every newspaper in the world, you will feature on all major news channels, you will be the subject of talk shows and public debates.  You will be remembered long after your death and you will be held up as an example to all of your peers”.

Quite understandably DSK was ecstatic with news and tipped the fortune-teller handsomely.  Walking down the street he felt like he was walking on air, life was full of optimism.  He thought to himself, “that’s it, my future clearly lies in politics, I am going to replace the current little gnome at the Elysee Palace”.

How interesting life can be.

A Compliment, Sex or Food?

Last week I read a very entertaining article regarding the way in which young people now perceive themselves in the scheme of things.  An article in the New York Times recently reported some research that found that American college students would rather receive a compliment than eat their favourite food or have sex!

Other little nuggets;

94% of college professors believe they have above average teaching skills.  70% of high school students believe they have above-average leadership skills.  High percentages of college students agree with the statement “I am easy to like” and most believe that American students are world leaders in doing really well at math, which is not supported by the evidence.

The one that I think summarises it all – 80% of high school seniors said that they were “a very important person”, up from an average of 12% in the 1950’s.

Given the quality of American political discourse and their ability to focus on the really important problems within their economy, I think that there is a very high likelihood that in the not too distant future the long lines outside the unemployment offices will be filled by “very important people” unable to calculate how much they will need in order to purchase the 7 loaves of bread they will need to last over the following 14 days.

Treacherous Roads Part of Almighty’s Strategy, Says Televangelist

Rev. Pat Robertson sparked controversy in the broadcast of his 700 Club program when he claimed that God created the blizzard currently battering the Northeast “to punish Americans who were planning to drive to do something gay.”

Explaining his theory, Rev. Robertson said, “Because of the bad road conditions the Almighty has made, any gay activities that people were planning on doing will have to be postponed by a day or two.”

Additionally, he argued, God shut down major airports in the New York area “so that people who were hoping to fly to do something of a gay nature would have to take a train or a bus, so it might be days before the gay thing they were going to do could occur.”

As for the millions of straight people in New York City who were also grounded by the bad weather, the televangelist said, “I think God probably wonders, if these people are really straight, then what are they doing in New York?”

It’s good to know that no matter how fucking stupid you are there is always a good career waiting for you in America.  Remember this man earns considerable sums of money because people willingly donate so they can continue to recieve this type of wisdom.