I was in London 2 days after the final night of the recent riots and naturally the TV and press were all focused on this topic, because for most people in the UK this came as a bit of a shock and a time for self-reflection. It was with considerable interest that I then read that after consultation and reflection the Prime Minister – David Cameron’s root cause summary was that the UK needed to get back and embrace ‘family values’. Clearly coming from an intellect as prodigious as the leader of the UK, I needed to think this through. It took me back to my time when I lived in the UK for nearly 3 years, which I do admit is not exactly a long period of time, however it did afford the opportunity to get a glimpse into a cross-section of ‘family values’. Here are some of those family values that will serve Britain well as it moves through the 21st century. These all come from my actual experiences and interaction with folks where I lived in the South East.
Lower classes – continue to raise your children on a diet of high cholesterol, fat saturated deep-fried food and pre-packaged dinners. This is of course having given birth to them after smoking your way through your entire pregnancy. Set really low expectations as to their future, deride the value of education because if your children do become educated they run the risk of no longer being the ‘backbone’ of what made Britain ‘great’, i.e. join the armed forces and get killed. More importantly if they do become well-educated they will exclude themselves from the welfare system which is definitely not right as it is their birthright and people sacrificed themselves in 2 world wars to ensure they have this right. Ensure there is no printed material in the house other than ‘News of the World’ or the equivalent, learn to drink like ‘a real man’ and when you take your package holiday (which will be indirectly funded by social welfare payments), make sure that the filthy foreigners respect your right as a former world dominator to get pissed, throw up and if they don’t then you must kick the shit out of them.
Middle class – get the children raised, educated and let them know that vegetables that don’t come out of a packet can be eaten, as long as they are thoroughly boiled. Get married as soon as you possibly can, that way you can get on the council housing list earlier. Consider having your children as soon as you turn 20, otherwise if you wait until after 25 you will be classified as an ‘old mother’ (this is absolutely true as I was shown the hospital bracelet of someone who had their first child at 26). Get regular employment, the goal is to get a title of ‘Manager’, because having that title gets you respect and entitles you to work 60 hours a week for fuck all money, but you are a Manager. Know your place. This is important. Don’t waste time dreaming silly dreams that you can be something that is impossible. (Again true story, I mentored young people who were very very good, had huge potential but when it came time to apply for more senior roles didn’t because “they knew their place”). Dinner must be on the table at 6pm, the only exception to that rule is if there is a major football game on the telly or a nuclear war. Get down to the pub right away and do not come home sober. Build a good circle of social friends in your area. Have parties regularly on a Saturday night where everyone comes (kids are spending the night at the in-laws), get pissed before midnight and then swap partners and shag each other until its time to go home. This is ok because collectively no one really “remembers” and if they do it isn’t your fault “you were pissed”. (Again true story, I was at a lot of these parties as I worked with these folks).
Upper middle class – If you are a male, do not under any circumstances demonstrate affection or emotional intelligence. Only a ‘sissy’ needs to be hugged, touched or kissed. Push your boys to be good at rugby and cricket to ensure they are socially acceptable. Girls need to be educated to understand that interior decoration, formal dining rooms (that must never be used), and brand name bay buggies are critical if they want to be taken seriously as a wife. Vaginoplasty’s should be considered. You want to make sure that your man “always eats at home”.
Upper class – get your children into a full-time boarding school as soon as possible. Having the right ‘school tie’ is critical. Growing up in a nuturing family environment will only breed weakness, boarding school thuggery prepares your children for a real life in the Boardroom and look it never did you any harm! More importantly having children at home can potentially interrupt the working professional life. For boys, the chances that they will grow up needing to visit S&M dungeons where they have a leather clad, big breasted dominatrix, forcing them to wear nappies whilst being rogered in their arse with an oversized black dildo is no more than 30% and even if it happens it is acceptable because they will be in the company of a number of judges and politicians. Girls, have a deep understanding of Burke’s Peerage is critical. Personal grooming, white teeth, full breasts and a tight vagina (both natural or otherwise) is mandatory as well as the ability to co-ordinate the staff to run the household and deliver a dinner party for 30 of your ‘closest’ friends. Enthusiastically embrace your very rich husbands suggestion that he would like to watch you being rogered from behind by the well muscled gardener that he has noticed you making sidelong glances at whilst lying beside the pool maintaining your tan.
On reflection, Cameron is right. It is these timeless family values that need to be more fully embraced and to get society back on track.