Scams – My considered response to this wonderful offer

I was about to delete the email in the previous post but then I realised that I should take the time to respond to such a genuine once in a lifetime chance offer.  Here is my response – enjoy.

_______________________________________________________________________

Dear Allen Mark Ede,

This is indeed a coincidence. It was only last week that I was talking with other members of our family about the death of Randolf. We knew he was part of the extended family because he actually married the illegitimate daughter of my grandfathers third cousin twice removed, who had an affair with Roma gypsy who lived in a far corner of the families estate.

It is wonderful to actually have the opportunity to get some of the money owed to the extended family by this unprincipled money grabbing prick who actually completely shafted cousin Boris in a business venture that involved co-ownership of a brothel specialising in sex with large breasted dwarves, but that is another story.

It is imperative that this matter is kept completely confidential because I know from frequent interactions with my family in Uzbekistan, (the Karimov’s) that my cousin Gulnara has been blackmailed by the decendants of the Roma gypsy family who are trying to locate some of Randolfs fortune. Under no circumstances can we let them know that you have access to Randolfs estate because it will cause considerable complications.

Because we need to act in all haste I would like to propose that I transfer by Western Union a retainer of US$50,000 to secure your immediate services and confidentiality. In return for this I would like to have the funds as described in your offer below, deposited into my personal bank account in Vanuatu no later than close of business Monday September 26.

All the best,

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Wonderful world of Internet Scams

The following email arrived yesterday – what a tempting offer – LOL

From The Desk of Barrister Allen Ade.
15-16 Prince of Wales Terrace,
Kensington, London, United Kingdom.
Email:barrister.allenmarkade@yahoo.co.uk
Tel:+447045779589

Good Day Paul Draskovich,

I am barrister Allen Mark Ade, The personal adviser to late Eng. Randolf here in London.

I am the Personal adviser to the late Eng.Randolf Draskovich, hereinafter referred as ‘my client’ who worked as an independent oil magnate in my country and who died in a car crash with his immediate family on the 4th of Oct,2005

Since the death of my client in 4th of Oct, 2005, I have written several letters to the embassy with an intent to locate any of his extended relatives whom shall be claimants/beneficiaries of his abandoned personal estate and all such efforts have been to no avail.

More so, I have received official letters from our bank in the last few weeks suggesting a likely proceeding for confiscation of his abandoned personal assets in line with existing laws by the bank in which my client deposited the sum of US$8.5 million Dollars.

On this note I decided to search for a credible person and finding that you and my client bear similar last name, I was urged to contact you, that I may, with your consent, present you to the “trustee” bank as my late client’s surviving family member so as to enable you put up a claim to the bank in that capacity as a next of kin of my client.

I find this possible for the fuller reasons that you bear a similar last name with my client making it a lot easier for you to put up a claim in that capacity. I propose that 35% of the net sum will accrue to you at the conclusion of this deal in so far as I do not incur further expenses.

Therefore, to facilitate the immediate transfer of this fund, you need, first to contact me via this email signifying your interest and as soon as I obtain your confidence, I will immediately appraise you with the complete details as well as fax you the documents, with which you are to proceed and i shall direct on how to put up an application to the bank.

HOWEVER, you will have to accent to an express agreement which I will forward to you in order to bind us in this transaction. For quick and cordial communication I will appreciate you to forward your personal telephone number and fax.

If you are interested, you can contact me on Email:barrister.allenmarkade@yahoo.co.uk
Tel:+447045779589

Upon the receipt of your reply, I will send you by fax or E-mail the next step to take. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this proposal is hitch-free and that you should not entertain any fears as the required arrangements have been made for the completion of this transfer. Like I said, I require only a sole confidentiality on this.

I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.

Best regards,

Barr. Allen Mark Ade.

 

Troy Davis – Justice in the ‘Land of the Free’

Today, Wednesday September 21 the state of Georgia is going to execute Troy Davis who was convicted for killing an off duty policeman in 1989.  So far, so good.  Reading this headline one might think “Serves him right”.  The family of the dead policeman certainly do.  “Justice was finally served for my father,” said Mark MacPhail Jr, the victim’s son. “The truth was finally heard.”

However if you spend a little more time to read the background, you will understand why I have to write this post.  Since the original conviction in 1991, seven of nine witnesses who helped convict him during the original trial have either changed their testimony or recanted. No murder weapon was ever found and no DNA evidence or fingerprints conclusively linked Davis to the shooting.

Even more astonishingly at a rare 2010 innocence hearing – ordered by the US Supreme Court – two witnesses said they falsely incriminated Davis, while two others told the court another had confessed to being the actual killer.  US District Court Judge William T Moore Jr said there was not enough evidence to vindicate Davis or grant him a new trial.

Of course the fact that Troy is an African-American living in Georgia has absolutely nothing to do with this.  What leaves me almost speechless is the utter fucking hypocrisy of so many Americans.  I will bet $100 that every member of the parole review board and the judges like William T Moore Jnr all go to church every Sunday, pray to God to save themselves and yet somehow manage very successfully to ignore some of the central tenants of their faith.  If Jesus appeared before them and held the mirror up to their faces to see what they have become they would probably execute him as well for being ‘un-American’.

One thing that I do know for sure, the term ‘Capital Punishment’ means that those with the capital don’t get the punishment.  Talk to Dominic Strauss Khan.

God save America – (why the fuck would she)?

Relationships – some of the ugly truth

Having exchanged correspondance with 2 female friends in the last week, both who are currently suffering a broken heart, I thought I should share some uplifting facts that will helps everyone have renewed faith in relationships 🙂

1. If you’re a woman who got married before the age of eighteen, your marriage faces a 48 percent likelihood of divorce within ten years.

2.  If you’re a woman who wants a child—either a first child or an additional child—much more strongly than your spouse does, your marriage is more than twice as likely to end in divorce as the marriages of couples who agree on how much they do or don’t want a child.

3.  If you have two sons, you face a 36.9 percent likelihood of divorce, but if you have two daughters, the likelihood rises to 43.1 percent.

4. If you’re a man with high basal testosterone, you’re 43 percent more likely to get divorced than men with low testosterone levels.

5. If you are currently married but have cohabited with a lover other than your current spouse, you are slightly more than twice as likely to divorce than someone who has never cohabited.

6. If you didn’t smile for photographs early in life, your marriage is five times more likely to end in divorce than if you smiled intensely in early photographs.

7. If you’re a woman who has recently been diagnosed with cancer or multiple sclerosis, your marriage is six times more likely to end in divorce than if your husband had been diagnosed with those diseases instead.

8. If you’re a Caucasian woman and you’re separated from your spouse, there’s a 98 percent chance that you’ll be divorced within six years of that separation; if you’re a Hispanic woman, the likelihood is 80 percent; if you’re an African-American woman, the likelihood is 72 percent.

9.  If you’re a dancer or choreographer, you face a 43.05 percent likelihood of divorce, compared with mathematicians, who face a 19.15 percent likelihood, and animal trainers, who face a 22.5 percent likelihood

I bet you are happy you read this blog post aren’t you?  :-))

Only $2bn???

The last few days has provided interesting reading.  Poor Kweku, he has clearly fucked up.  There is debate about whether he lived a flashy lifestyle, there is discussion about what this might mean for UBS, there is discussion about risk management, but no where has there really been any discussion that puts this into context.

Consider this – there are 39 countries whose 2010 annual GDP was less than $2bn (CIA World Fact book).

$2bn would support 66,000 unemployed, uninsured Americans for a year.

or, provide education to 10 million underprivileged children for one year in Africa.

So the question really is, how can everything be so completely fucked up that when we read that poor Kweku has blown $2bn, the world essentially shrugs it shoulders and reacts in a manner that would suggest that Granny lost her purse containing her $100 pension money?  Why have we collectively learnt to tolerate this?

We are living in world that is on a knifes edge of falling of a precipice and will impact our children’s children, solely because of human avarice and greed.  In almost every country and society if a person enters your home and forcibly removes your money and valuables, people react with shock and express the pain they have suffered from having their personal space invaded and of having something forcibly removed from them.  How is it that a single profession has executed the largest theft of value in human history and we shrug our shoulders and run to the local Starbucks for our next coffee (and in the process get scalped again, but that’s a different story)?

If you think that it isn’t really about human greed and that it doesn’t really concern you, spend one minute and think properly about the quote in the FT this morning related to the impact of Kweku’s trading – “The big concern for all my UBS friends now is that they are not going to get their bonuses” 

Well fuck me.

 

Brand Britain

Just came back from another 3 days in the UK and I have to share with you just a few of the newspaper articles, which does give an insight into the rapidly changing fabric of the UK.

Before I add the newspaper articles I am compelled to mention Heathrow T4 (again).  What a shit fight.  Iris machine broken – again, join the very long snaking queue of people without European passports, 50 minutes later passport stamped and I can make my way out.  I have no idea what is going to happen when the Olympics starts, Heathrow will be a nightmare.  Anyway, the news;

Housing conditions in Britain are among the worst in Western Europe and cost the nation about 7bn pounds a year. Homelessness is on the increase with almost 4,000 people sleeping on London’s streets, an increase of 8% since last year.

Hospital staff shortages ’cause 500 deaths a year’.  “each year there are 25,000 deaths in hospital following emergency admission. If the weekend mortality rate in London was the same as the weekday rate there would be around 520 fewer deaths”.  “The chance of death significantly increases if a patient is admitted out of hours”.

Despite the expenses scandal, 136 MP’s continue to employ family members, (totalling 140 family members).  Median salary of the 140 ’employees’ is between 20 – 25k pounds per year.  42 are paid over 30k per year and 6 are paid over 40k per year.

A report by the World Economic Forum has ranked UK schools 43rd in the world behind Iran, Trinidad & Tobago & Lithuania.  Britain also languishes behind Albania in the league table for maths and sciences.  The WEF findings reveal that British children are at a disadvantage compared to many others around the world, with the country at risk of developing a core skills shortage.

A recent OECD report shows that one-fifth of 15 year olds are functionally illiterate, which ‘significantly reduces their chances of success in later life’

The answer is of course “Family Values”

I was in London 2 days after the final night of the recent riots and naturally the TV and press were all focused on this topic, because for most people in the UK this came as a bit of a shock and a time for self-reflection.  It was with considerable interest that I then read that after consultation and reflection the Prime Minister – David Cameron’s root cause summary was that the UK needed to get back and embrace ‘family values’.  Clearly coming from an intellect as prodigious as the leader of the UK, I needed to think this through.  It took me back to my time when I lived in the UK for nearly 3 years, which I do admit is not exactly a long period of time, however it did afford the opportunity to get a glimpse into a cross-section of ‘family values’.  Here are some of those family values that will serve Britain well as it moves through the 21st century.  These all come from my actual experiences and interaction with folks where I lived in the South East.

Lower classes – continue to raise your children on a diet of high cholesterol, fat saturated deep-fried food and pre-packaged dinners.  This is of course having given birth to them after smoking your way through your entire pregnancy.  Set really low expectations as to their future, deride the value of education because if your children do become educated they run the risk of no longer being the ‘backbone’ of what made Britain ‘great’, i.e. join the armed forces and get killed. More importantly if they do become well-educated they will exclude themselves from the welfare system which is definitely not right as it is their birthright and people sacrificed themselves in 2 world wars to ensure they have this right. Ensure there is no printed material in the house other than ‘News of the World’ or the equivalent, learn to drink like ‘a real man’ and when you take your package holiday (which will be indirectly funded by social welfare payments), make sure that the filthy foreigners respect your right as a former world dominator to get pissed, throw up and if they don’t then you must kick the shit out of them.

Middle class – get the children raised, educated and let them know that vegetables that don’t come out of a packet can be eaten, as long as they are thoroughly boiled.  Get married as soon as you possibly can, that way you can get on the council housing list earlier.  Consider having your children as soon as you turn 20, otherwise if you wait until after 25 you will be classified as an ‘old mother’ (this is absolutely true as I was shown the hospital bracelet of someone who had their first child at 26).  Get regular employment, the goal is to get a title of ‘Manager’, because having that title gets you respect and entitles you to work 60 hours a week for fuck all money, but you are a Manager.  Know your place.  This is important.  Don’t waste time dreaming silly dreams that you can be something that is impossible. (Again true story, I mentored young people who were very very good, had huge potential but when it came time to apply for more senior roles didn’t because “they knew their place”).  Dinner must be on the table at 6pm, the only exception to that rule is if there is a major football game on the telly or a nuclear war.  Get down to the pub right away and do not come home sober.  Build a good circle of social friends in your area.  Have parties regularly on a Saturday night where everyone comes (kids are spending the night at the in-laws), get pissed before midnight and then swap partners and shag each other until its time to go home.  This is ok because collectively no one really “remembers” and if they do it isn’t your fault “you were pissed”. (Again true story, I was at a lot of these parties as I worked with these folks).

Upper middle class – If you are a male, do not under any circumstances demonstrate affection or emotional intelligence.  Only a ‘sissy’ needs to be hugged, touched or kissed.  Push your boys to be good at rugby and cricket to ensure they are socially acceptable.  Girls need to be educated to understand that interior decoration, formal dining rooms (that must never be used), and brand name bay buggies are critical if they want to be taken seriously as a wife.  Vaginoplasty’s should be considered.  You want to make sure that your man “always eats at home”.

Upper class – get your children into a full-time boarding school as soon as possible.  Having the right ‘school tie’ is critical.  Growing up in a nuturing family environment will only breed weakness, boarding school thuggery prepares your children for a real life in the Boardroom and look it never did you any harm!  More importantly having children at home can potentially interrupt the working professional life. For boys, the chances that they will grow up needing to visit S&M dungeons where they have a leather clad, big breasted dominatrix, forcing them to wear nappies whilst being rogered in their arse with an oversized black dildo is no more than 30% and even if it happens it is acceptable because they will be in the company of a number of judges and politicians. Girls, have a deep understanding of Burke’s Peerage is critical. Personal grooming, white teeth, full breasts and a tight vagina (both natural or otherwise) is mandatory as well as the ability to co-ordinate the staff to run the household and deliver a dinner party for 30 of your ‘closest’ friends.  Enthusiastically embrace your very rich husbands suggestion that he would like to watch you being rogered from behind by the well muscled gardener that he has noticed you making sidelong glances at whilst lying beside the pool maintaining your tan.

On reflection, Cameron is right.  It is these timeless family values that need to be more fully embraced and to get society back on track.